One-Two-Three, Lunge

Several years ago I bought a gag gift at Christmas time for Taylor. It was an orange speedo. Similar to this pair of orange underwear, but speedo style.



This gag gift has provided our family endless moments of entertainment. About the time I gave this gift to him the movie "Nacho Libre" came out. I feel that this movie contributed to Taylor taking the term "stretchy pants" to a whole new level.

Taylor does have a sombrero, but this is not him. I show this image only to help you conjure a visual image.

One afternoon Taylor called from the end of the hall, "Did Paul go home?" ,and the reply came, "Yes." He proceeded to leap down the hall, like the FTD flower delivery person, in his charming orange speedo, aka "stretchy pants". Stating, "Finally, I thought he would never go home." As if prancing in his "stretchy pants" around the house is a normal family activity that happens every night precisely at 6 pm.

If that wasn't funny enough, he then went to the entertainment center and stood in front of the TV with his buttocks facing all of us. He put his arms on the entertainment center to support his weight and stood in a lunge position with most of his weight on his front leg. He began to do buttock flexes and deep lunges with his hands on his hips. He lunged/walked across our whole front room making deliberate lunges right at eye level for the edification of each boy.(To Taylors credit, he never does this in front of the two little girls, only me and the boys. Perhaps that doesn't matter, but I feel that it is a generous gesture on his part as it could scar the girls for life).

I was laughing,and gagging all at the same time. The boys were laughing,(out of shock, I believe) calling out things like "Sick!", "Gross!", "Disgusting!" and rushing to find anything and everything to cover their eyes with, as if they would turn to stone if they were to actually look and see their father in his "stretchy pant".


I am half tempted to seek out a large cross such as the one in the above photo, however, I am not sure what that would lead to. I can just imagine the get up now...orange "stretchy pants", sombrero, giant gold cross, and his fake mustache or beard all the while running as fast as he can at a high school football game holding a sign saying,"Catch me if you can!" Then being called from police department with a request to post bail.

The Dog and The Dishwasher

In an attempt to become more envrionmentally friendly we are trying to reduce the amount of food we put down the drain, which in turn reduces the amount of dishsoap we consume. Plus dog food can get spendy, but that is really just an after thought.

We also feel that we get an rare vitamin by using this method; vitamin W as in "Walter". The vitamin improves sniffing, scratching , and burying skills. Not many humans realize they are difficient in this "w" vitamin.


Can't wait to have people over for dinner.

FrOm the MiXEd uP file of MY mAd Cow BraiN

Today I feel like my life is like this pre-menopausal weather. Hot, cold, snowing, freezing, anything goes, and then back to stable. This is classic Utah spring weather, but good grief...it is colder than a well digger's butt!

The real causes of my fluctuation in mood is going to a class I am taking at BYU. I regularly wish this professor a very itchy rash in very embarrassing places. That and I stayed up to late and my car doors were FROZEN shut this morning and I needed a polar suit with moon boots to just take the dog out to pee.

On the brighter side, one of my dogs had a bath and now he smell like shampoo and dog instead of rotten potato and dog. He is no longer a dirt neck either. He also loves me and crawls in my lap and loves me. This gives a new meaning to hot dog eh?


I recently read a book by Kelly Corrigan called "The Middle Place". It is her story of growing up with a father who never saw anything other than happiness and how she survived breast cancer and changed her perspective to live in his "land". If you can get past the four letter adjectives, and by get past them, I mean read the book, it will have you laughing and crying all at the same time. A tad bit like Steel Magnolias, only funnier.

Here is a little blurb from her in her own words:


Some things you wouldn’t know about me from reading The Middle Place:


I don’t exercise, not only because I have inertia issues but also because it cuts way down on the number of showers I need to take. Other things that most people I know do that I do not are cook, shop and properly moisturize. I also cut my own hair and my childrens’ and ever so occasionally, when he’s trying to make up for something, my husband’s. I would cut yours too if you would let me.

I am interested in faith and people who have it. I am writing about it (essays, outlines for a novel, character sketches, a screenplay?) and thinking about it most days of the week. Although I am skeptical, I do pray. I do not go to church. I will always be Catholic (like I will always have brown eyes) but may grow into something else as well.

I would highly recommend this book to anyone and everyone.

Payback is like...raw eggs

I can't believe I didn't get pictures of this. The impact of this would be so much better had I taken pictures.

It finally happened,Moleman, aka Taylor, finally got what he deserved.

Like usual I was minding my own business doing my thing. I was planting seeds and cleaning the kitchen and had a few potato chips on the counter that I was enjoying. Moleman, aka TaylorRat, came in and started making coughing noises and slamming something on the counter. When I turned around to see what was going on I saw that he had smashed my chips into a thousand tiny little pieces. He thinks that is funny; ask Bentley. He has experienced it first hand.

Between the water down my pant and this I had had it and it was now time for revenge.

For some time now I have been planning my revenge. I have thought about how to retaliate and I finally knew what would be sufficient.

I acted like I was bothered and annoyed, which I actually was, and I reached into the fridge and pulled out an egg. The egg was small enough to conceal in my hand and without hesitating I SMASHED THAT EGG ONTO HIS HEAD and let it drip down all over him. He reached into the fridge and pulled out the sour cream bucket. I say bucket because it is the size you get from Costco.

During this interaction Kate had been standing by watching this transpire. She was in shock as I SMASHED THE EGG onto Taylor's head, but when he pulled out the sour cream, she said, "Oh, no!" and retreated out of harms way.

I don't think Taylor really knew what to do and was a tad hesitant to open the sour cream bucket, but when he did, he waited to long and I dug my hand into the bucket and SMEARED SOUR CREAM ALL OVER HIS EGG FACE!

He retaliated a tad and I only got a small face of sour cream.

He just kept saying over and over, "That's a raw egg." I told him it would make his hair shiny.

I love it when a plan comes together. Next, I think I will freeze his underware in a glass of orange juice and serve it to him, slushy style, for breakfast.

25 intersting, odd or whatever things you should know about me

25. I love Chubby Hubby ice cream made by Ben & Jerry's. In fact, I could eat the whole pint myself
24. On every bike ride I go on I bring back a rock from that area.
23. When I am falling asleep at night I rub my feet together to comfort myself.
22. I have a serious smelling ability and if something smells bad to me I dry-heave.
21. I dry heave A LOT
20. When I was pregnant with my children I carried an emergency zip-lock bag with me at all times.
19. I do not like microwave popcorn. I LOVE real popcorn
18. I have a beehive, thanks to Megan and Dave, in my yard
17. My favorite book is "To Kill a Mockingbird" I have read it over 100 times
16. I love to watch sports on the weekends with my boys.
15. I am extremely happy when I walk into a greenhouse and smell the soil and the moisture in the air.
14. I would never name a child Ransom, Delbert, Ruprert, Jesus (there is a story and a reason behind all of these), or Ramona (although I love Ramona Quimby)

13. I have serious personal issues with BYU professors, especially ones named Stephanie
12. My dog Chloe, loves Soy beans and peas and corn on the cob. I have seen her eat them right off the vine or off the cob in the garden
11. I feel that to help our economic situation in this country Tofu should be required, by law, for everyone to purchase, and then trow it away.
10. I once found $20.00 in a toilet at work
9. I have been bunjee jumping before
8. I have a brother who, as a small child, loved to find my shoes and pee in them. Only my shoes, no one else. I am not sure why.
7. I love to listen to Andre Bocelli
6. I would like to learn to communicate with animals
5. I am a fan of Jesus, Buddah, Bon Jovi and Captain Jack Sparrow
6. I iron my clothes with a spray bottle and a firm shake
5. My perfect day would be something like this: biking, rock climbing, 85 degree weather, a tank top, shorts, chaco's, water and red rocks
4. I was a pirate in a past life
3. My birthstone is topaz but I wish it were diamond or opal
2. I once wrapped my head in toilet paper at a state soccer game to stay warm. The news reportes took pictures for the Deseret News.
1. My husband is like an Italian mother who always wants to feed everyone all the time, when he is having a good day, and more importantly he wants you to know if it was good and how good was it? I still love him, and I remind him that it isn't always about him.